Day 91

Thursday April 5

Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. –Samuel Beckett, Irish Playwright

Incredibly. Humbling. Day.

Last night, I sat here at my kitchen table and banged out a post that is so positive, so honest, and so real (Day 90). And since I feel as good as I say I feel, I nearly skipped all the way to the gym this morning to jump on the scale.

And then it happened.

In 30 days, I lost .5 pounds. (Total loss over 90 days, 5 pounds)

Beyond that, I lost .5 inches and, if I decide to be completely honest, its possible one of my measurements went 1 3/4 inches back up to pre-Whole30 levels.

I’m using a different tool to measure body fat and I lost my Day 60 measurement on that (great) so I have 27% to report today but nothing to compare that to.

Folks, if you haven’t gathered, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. Apparently just because I feel light as a feather and strong as a horse (hard to pick the right animal by the way), that isn’t exactly reality after all.

So I did what any strong-willed person would do, and sucked it up, and got through the WOD. And then I got pissed.

See, when you do something this hard core, you expect hard core results. So, initially, I didn’t even feel bad for feeling bad about it.

By the middle of the day (with a raging headache because I decided in a fit of frustration that today would be a good day to give up coffee because caffeine may be screwing up my ability to drop weight), I was starting to question just about everything.

Luckily some sensibility swept over me and kicked my ass. I realized that only 12 hours earlier, I had written a beautiful post that was built on a strong foundation of believing in myself and what I was doing. How unfair for me to choose to let the scale and a measuring tape change all that. It is real! And those results matter too, dammit!

My better half (seriously, he is) asked me a question so good I had to write it down and share it with you, “I don’t know where you think you’re going with this and what you expect it to be like when you get there but you better think about it and if it will be better than what you have right now.”

This stopped me in my tracks.

He’s so right.

The right now is so good. All I have to do is look back over, oh, well, say 90 days of posts about the power of what I’m doing.

And I better think long and hard about changing what I’m doing because I’m doing it with joy and pleasure and fulfillment and grace and determination. And in a way that I could actually sustain it.

Actually sustaining it. There’s a thought. Am I really never going to have coffee ever again?

It hit me.

Why, under any circumstances, no matter how frustrated I get, would I turn this lifestyle into a diet? A diet, you know, those things I try and fail at every time. I firmly believe the whole reason this is working is that it isn’t that. Its the anti-that. Its make good choices about body, mind, and spirit and develop healthy relationships with food, drink, and exercise. Its not counting, restricting, giving up, feeling guilty, cheating, starving, whatever. Its none of those things.

When I shared this, Rob pointed out that our diet culture has created a measure of success using pounds and inches as the only outcomes that matter. And they don’t even matter infinitely; they only matter at the “end”, when its officially “over.” In fact, even if (when) the pounds and inches creep back on, the “loss” is still counted, like it happened once. “Well I lost 30 pounds, but then gained 10 of it back.”

So shame on me, surrounded by all of these other outcomes and clear measures of success, to be so quick to declare failure. To be so short-sighted to hang my 90 days on a scale and measuring tape. To be so quick to dismiss my feelings. To be so quick to give up coffee. Seriously. Girl. Get. A. Grip.

One large coffee later, she got her groove back.

WOD: RX got to swings on the way back up

WOD:  #elevator chipper

15min AMRAP

60 Ab Mat Sit Ups

50 Double Unders

40 KB Swings (53/35lbs) (Rx+ 70/53)

30 Box Jumps (24/20) *Full hip extension top of box*

20 Supine  Ring Rows

10 Deadlifts (275/185lbs)

*Once you complete your 10 Deadlifts go back up the chipper and back to ring rows, etc. If you get back to top again, you guessed it, come on down*


PWO SFH shake

2 eggs, chicken sausage, spinach

Chicken, greens, salad veggies (no dressing)

Made stuffed zucchini for dinner. Easy & delicious.

2 pounds meat (I used 1 lb ground sirloin & 1 lb sausage) browned in coconut oil with 2 chopped onions

3 zucchini, halved, scoop out the middle

Chop middle of zucchini

Fill hollow zucchini with meat.

Top with chopped zucchini.

Top with 14 oz can of organic roasted tomatoes. Bake at 350 for a while.

Served with purple cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

2 to-go boxes packed for the road trip tomorrow.

A little coconut cream.

Oh, that’s right. And a COFFEE.



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8 Responses to Day 91

  1. Tara says:

    I am glad you got your groove back!! Could you possibly be not eating enough?

  2. Lauren Silva Laughlin says:

    This post made me cry. Seriously…3 am baby feeding and tears of pride in my sister. This is so inspiring and touching. Go SIS!!! Xoxo

  3. Kellie says:

    This post got to me also. Your husband nailed it and as much as we sometimes don’t like to admit they at times do have valid points. I don’t think you know the impact that you have had on so many. While not all are willing to change their eating habits with the gusto that you have I’ve seen and heard of some trying new things that you have shared. You are a inspiration not only with the progress you have made but with being the warm, welcoming “YOU”
    Made something very similar for dinner last night, but used ground turkey and used the meat of the zucchini along with some spinach, cilantro, garlic and a can of tomato paste. Stuffed and baked.
    Enjoy your coffee this morning.

  4. mom says:

    “At a girl…” This is a process…..and as far as I can see, it is pretty awesome!”

  5. Donna says:

    Time to go back and read (and absorb the meaning) Day 60! Love you and love your determination – Trust your journey!

  6. markstephen says:

    Numbers do not mean a thing. It is about how you feel and how you perform. You have come so far on this journey and it will keep getting better. Enjoy the journey.

  7. Cindy says:

    This is an awesome post, Jen! Sorry, I am a little behind in reading, obviously. Catching up today! You have so much to be proud of. Such an inspiration! Enjoy the rest of you vacation.

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